Lauren's Laundry

If you see it in The Sun, it is so...

2006-12-21T21:13:28Z

I'm giving Mr. Church's editorial a break this year. Although if you haven't seen it in awhile, it might make for some good reading for anyone reaching, or fear that they may be reaching, that "skeptical age."

Instead, I'm offering a shameless plug for The Herald. My editor revises this column each year and although it is no "Yes, Virginia,"it still rings true. Stop whatever you're doing and give it some attention.

Something for Everyone,
An Inexpensive Gift for the Holidays
By Joe Zelnik

For those who have given up on finding a PlayStation 3, and can’t quite afford a 65-inch plasma television set, it’s still possible to give a meaningful gift at Christmas.
Try forgiveness.
Forgive the trash man for crushing your garbage can, the mechanic who sold you a com-plete exhaust system when you only needed a muffler, the hair stylist who made you a platinum blonde instead of a strawberry blonde.
Forgive the slow-pay, the no-pay, the Chapter Elevens, the bankrupt, the guy who bor-rowed five bucks and forgot to pay you back.
Forgive teachers who couldn’t make it clear to you, doctors who didn’t give you enough time, lawyers who charged you for too much time, and the entire judicial and health care systems. You might even forgive “managed care,” if it doesn’t manage to kill you first.
FORGIVE YOUR NEIGHBORS for having rotten kids, a better lawn and more outdoor Christmas lights; for letting their dog run loose, parking in “your” space, and making noise when you're trying to sleep.
Forgive your friends for being busy, for sending you e-mail instead of calling, for putting someone else first.
Forgive those who lied to you, or told you the truth, and it hurt.
Forgive the pessimists and the optimists, the angry and the arrogant, the losers and the loners, the incompetents and those who lack ambition, the surly clerks and the ones who can’t make change.
Forgive the social worker who no longer cares, the bureaucrat who puts policy ahead of people, the politicians who take from the poor, who don’t vote, in order to give to the com-fortable, who write them checks.
Forgive the editor for not calling you back, for not solving your problem, for not being per-fect.
Forgive the powerful, the powerless, and your successful competitors. Forgive the utili-ties, the cable company and your Internet provider.
EMPLOYES, forgive your bosses. Bosses, forgive your employes. Self-employed, forgive your customers. Unemployed, forgive the persons who restructured, downsized or outsour-ced you out of your job and the people who won't even interview you because you’re 45.
Forgive your mother-in-law, your father-in-law, your brother-in-law, your sister-in-law. They didn't ask you to be part of their family.
Forgive grandma for meddling, for forgetting, for being set in her ways.
Forgive grandpa for bad driving, for his rough beard, for not paying attention.
Forgive your ex-wife for hating you, for looking better than ever, for dating, for marrying a man with more money, for looking happy.
Forgive your ex-husband for ignoring you, for losing weight, for being successful, for mar-rying a younger woman, for taking her on vacations he never took you.
FORGIVE YOUR SISTER for borrowing your clothes, for being slimmer, prettier and conceited, for being your father’s favorite, for flirting with your man.
Forgive your brother for teasing, for swiping your Dixie Chicks CD, for getting taller than you, for being your mother's favorite, for moving away.
Forgive your daughter for not changing the cat litter or doing the dishes, for playing her music too loud, for too much makeup and not enough common sense, for horrid taste in boyfriends, for being selfish and inconsiderate.
Forgive your son for not cleaning his room or taking out the trash or walking the dog or picking up the tools or being reasonable or respectful or responsible.
FORGIVE YOUR GROWN children for being critical and manipulative, for seldom call-ing, for asking about your life insurance, but not your health insurance.
Forgive your stepmother for being loved by your father, for trying to be nice, for giving up.
Forgive your stepfather for marrying your mother, for trying to be boss, for giving up.
Forgive your stepchild for being suspicious and angry and arrogant and for withholding his or her love.
Forgive your mother for being cold, or too mushy, for not understanding, for working and being too busy, for sticking her nose in your business.
Forgive your father for not caring, or caring too much, for being cheap, or broke, for al-ways being at work, for not being able to make everything turn out all right.
Forgive the person who was going to marry you, but changed his or her mind; the guy who remembered your birthday, but forgot to tell you he was married; the gal who accepted those expensive gifts, and then decided you weren’t her type.
FORGIVE YOUR WIFE for being extravagant and tired, for lack of attention, for placing the kids first, for forgetting your birthday, for not wanting sex last night, for putting on a lit-tle weight, for not being your mother, for being PMS and watching QVC.
Forgive your husband for not earning enough money, for being thoughtless and boring, for slowing down, for not shaving on Saturdays, for losing his hair, for beer breath, for forget-ting your anniversary, for sneaking a glance at that young woman behind the cosmetics counter.
If there are some people you do not need to forgive for anything, for goodness sake, thank them.
And if you know of anyone who is alone this Christmas, give ’em a call.

LOST: My Mind

2006-05-22T16:10:37Z

I’m like an elephant. No, I don’t have an ass the size of a tractor-trailer and I can’t paint with my nose. However, I do have an affinity for peanuts…

*Drags the subject back on track and gets to the important part of the analogy* I never forget. Well, hardly ever.

But lately, hardly ever is getting much more frequent.

I completely blanked on the name of one of the commissioners of a town in my beat. I forgot about plans made over two weeks ago and ended up missing a chance to hang out with friends. I forgot how much I love hanging with Laureen.

I forgot not to drink too much over the weekend and ended up making quite an impression with the folks at 2nd Street Annie’s. I forgot how out of shape I was and rode Rosie a little too aggressively. Now I have a welt the size of a fist on my bum.

I forgot about the stack of bills in the office and my story assignments. I can remember all of the AP requirements for state abbreviations, but somehow I’ve forgotten my keys on the kitchen table three times in the past week.

I’ve forgotten what I’m trying to accomplish with this entry…

Maybe needing to walk around in constant possession of my day planner and a pen is a sign that my life is just getting fuller. Or maybe I’m taking on too much and need to give my overworked and under appreciated brain a rest. Maybe I'm just going crazy.

So if it seems that I’ve forgotten you, please don’t take it personally. All I need is a little reminder.

laurens_laundry @ 2006-05-09T10:15:00

2006-05-09T14:17:27Z

Yard sales bring out the strangest mix of humanity. Next time, I’m bringing down my camera…

There’s the desperate housewives wanna bes in their BMWs SUVs. After a long night of shaking their booty at the hottest places in Wildwood, they like to argue trashy romance novels down from a quarter to .15 cents.

The Mexican family, that kindly relieved me of all my unwanted winter and summer clothes.

The white-trash motorcycle gang that was a little too interested in porcelain dolls.

The 90-year-old neighbor we never knew we had.

The bargain hunter who shakily maneuvers his way around the borough on his bicycle accompanied by Mr. Jack Daniels in a brown paper bag.

The Brooklyn bound Caribbean native who left the sale with a TV, a VCR, Funny Girl on VHS, a few of Carl’s old clothes, and a chauffeured ride home. All that for the low low price of $35.95.

Thank goodness this is an annual event.

Old Flame Rekindled

2006-03-21T17:22:31Z

Oh Strongbow, why must you toy with my emotions?
I thought we had something special in London. Don’t you remember wasting away the afternoons together? But then, before I knew it, our time together came to an end.

You never visited. You never wrote. You never called. So I picked up the pieces and tried to move on.
Magners, Woodchuck, I tasted them all. But other ciders just didn’t satisfy me like you could.

But now, fate (and the Dark Horse pub and Kildare’s) has brought us together again. I know it will never be like it was, but maybe in time I can learn to love again.

What the...

2006-02-15T20:21:57Z

What do you think it means to dream of having afternoon tea with the Wicked Witch of the West and one of her flying monkeys but I had to excuse myself halfway into the cucumber sandwiches because my pirate ship was sinking into a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?

Try to find that shit in a dream dictionary!

Anyway, I think I’m finally starting to recover from my bout with death. Its been slow going, but hopefully I’ll be fit enough to enjoy the weekend. Yay for cheap happy hours, polar plunges, and parties!

laurens_laundry @ 2006-02-03T14:45:00

2006-02-03T20:01:41Z

Found: A Cheap Happy Hour
Call 247-6116 for more information

I’m going to Owen’s in the Wood after work for super fun mega drink specials. They have .99-cent pints, $1.50 mixed drinks and bottles, and $1.95 imports from 5 to 7 p.m. Their food's really good too. Come out and join me.
To get there, you would take the Parkway to the North Wildwood exit and stay on New Jersey until 17th Street. Make a left on 17th. Owen’s is located on 17th street between New Jersey and Central Avenues.

Always nice to get some answers

2006-01-27T21:23:40Z

Bush Explains Medicare Drug Bill -- Verbatim Quote

Woman in Audience: 'I don't really understand. How is the new plan going to fix the problem?'

The Verbatim response: PRESIDENT BUSH:
'Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price in-creases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being consid-ered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised.
Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a se-ries of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calcu-lated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.'

laurens_laundry @ 2006-01-22T15:09:00

2006-01-22T20:19:18Z

After playing around in nickel hell for way too long and dancing with an old Italian guy and a disgruntled showgirl, we made it back from the Trop alive. What have I learned from this experience? Apparently, only fat girls and Carl drink “nuts and berries.”
Anyone care to share strange alcoholic concoctions that you have an affinity for?

Tick Tock

2006-01-12T16:55:14Z

Inspired by Mike's enlightening, yet depressing, blogging on death and equally moved by Mo and Phil's fascination with their mortality, I finally check out the phenomenon of the death clock.
Thinking I was in for a good laugh I entered my birthday and calculated my BMI. I got a little tripped up when it came to the obligatory optimistic, pessimistic, or normal question. I'd like to believe that I don't always feel that my rum and coke is half empty, but here I was on a site called death clock. I checked pessimistic and hit submit.
I'll bite the dust on Oct. 25 at the age of 37.
Evidently, if I want to ward off the reaper, I need to alter my outlook on life. From now on, I'm keeping my glass half full. And maybe I'll start taking vitamins and exercising more and stay off websites with death in the title.

www.deathclock.com

In the meantime, fulfill a dying girl's last wish and come to The Bad Idea's Friday the 13th part-tay. Festivities start at 8 p.m.

Oh the craftiness of me!

2006-01-05T19:40:10Z

I'm trying my hand at the wild and wacky world of knitting. And while I'm at it, I've also ventured into the kooky land of crocheting. So far, I can only make hats.
I was so proud when I completed my first ever-knitted project, that I wore the thing all day. Then I made Carl wear it and then Beau decided to sleep on it.
Just wait till I'm ready to make scarves….

technology will kill us all

2005-12-08T21:07:36Z

The Herald updated their website. For those interested it is www.capemaycountyherald.com
It even has an “Interactive Spout Off” message board. Jebus help us.

The Herald

Naughty Angels

2005-12-07T21:27:37Z

I need to find this wrapping paper...

One of Canada's leading cinema chains has stopped handing out Christmas wrapping paper to its patrons after parents complained it featured angels fondling each other suggestively, newspapers reported on Tuesday. Famous Players acted after the wrapping paper was handed out to young children. The paper features a male angel grasping the breast of his female partner, while she has hold of his genitals, as they kiss. Both are fully clothed in white angel attire.

laurens_laundry @ 2005-12-02T19:25:00

2005-12-02T19:33:30Z

I just interviewed a woman with two kids whose living in a hotel because she can't afford anything else. In about a week the city should vote to change a law thus making it illegal for her to continue to live there. * sigh * Talk about holiday spirit.
So as a thank you for the interview, I bought her and her family some lunch and put a Shoprite gift card under their door. It is just a drop in a rather large bucket, but hopefully I did some good.

In happier news, I actually got the Christmas tree up and put the lights on it. The cats have since decided to mark it as their territory and refuse to move from underneath it. Some people have presents under their tree…I have cats.

Gobble Gobble

2005-11-21T23:47:25Z

Hope everyone has a very happy Turkey Day! Enjoy an extra slice of pie, but try to save room for TBI’s leftover party.
Bring your leftovers to The Bad Idea on Nov. 25 at 7:30 p.m. We’ll be serving up extra turkey, stuffing, potatoes, cranberry sauce, green beans, and of course wine. So wrap up your extra grub, bring a friend or two, and grab a bottle of wine and head on over.

Voting can be fun

2005-11-08T18:10:55Z

Go vote bitches! As Edward Forchio says, voting can be fun. Forchio is running for governor on the legalize marijuana platform. His mantra is, “take a tote, then vote” and “a vote for me is to give the finger to party politicians.” How can you not participate when someone like that wants to be governor? Gotta love the democratic process.

Dia de los Muertos and other fun stuff

2005-11-02T21:52:36Z

Happy Day of the Dead! Anyone venture to Philadelphia for their annual parade? I went last year and it was a lot of fun.

Anyway, it has not been a good start to November…
--The new reporter “forgot” to come in to work on his first day, which added unnecessary stress and work to be piled on the rest of the office. Way to go new kid!
--I'm feeling really run down and I'm convinced that its probably early symptoms of bird-flu.
--I have to drive up to South Harrison on Saturday for my grandfather's birthday dinner and I am clueless on what to get him for a present. Any suggestions on what a 77-year-old man would like for his birthday?
--LOST is a repeat for the second week in a row. Now many of you will see this as a minuscule meaningless issue. I, however, have no life and have become obsessive about television shows.
--I'll be working on an Aids Alliance interview, a city centennial planning meeting, and a chamber of commerce dinner until 8 p.m. tomorrow and I am not happy about it.
--And as I start to de-decorate from Halloween, people have already installed giant Christmas snow globes on their roof. I find this strange and disturbing.

I suppose November will stop kicking my ass soon. After all, it is the season of turkey dinners. And nothing associated with a turkey dinner can be all bad.

Happy Halloween

2005-11-01T03:12:20Z

Happy Halloween! Enjoy the one day that's dedicated to dressing up, eating too much, and acting like fools, and ghouls.

BYO...P

2005-10-06T02:25:19Z

Don’t say that you don’t have anything to do…

It’s that time of year when the leaves change colors, the air turns brisk, and we all carve pumpkins over one too many glasses of cider.
BYO…P Party!
Don't miss the Bring Your Own Pumpkin Party at The Bad Idea on October 22nd at 7 p.m.
Bring a friend, bring a drink, but don’t forget to bring your own pumpkin. Get into the spirit of the party and come dressed up. Prizes will be given to the best pumpkin and the best costume. Points for originality!

The Bad Idea will be serving complimentary snacks and “specialty” brews. Feel free to spend the night if you plan on drinking too much brew.

Corpse Bride

2005-10-01T18:11:05Z

Happy October!

Corpse Bride at 9:40 p.m at the Franks Theater by the Shore Mall.

Movie Night Anyone??

2005-09-28T18:44:40Z

Anyone still interested in seeing The Corpse Bride?
I've plugged my ears when it came to the reviews and the critic's commentaries. I just think it looks like a cute way to usher in October and the Halloween season. And you can't go wrong with Johnny Depp.
So who's up for seeing it the evening of Oct. 1? It is playing at the Towne Stadium and at Hamilton Commons at a lot of different times.

Shopping

2005-09-21T19:16:26Z

Ross is now open at the new Rio Grande shopping center! I am way too happy about this.

Anyone know what today is??

2005-09-19T16:03:56Z

Avast ye scurvy dogs! Today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. I expect all ye bilge rats to celebrate accordingly. Savy?
So drink your rum, make sure to pillage or plunder, and take care to talk like the sea snakes I know ye all to be.
Yours in Piracy,
First Mate Polly the Rough Hearted

E A G L E S

2005-09-10T02:19:56Z

Whatever shall I do to occupy my time now that HBO has gone and taken its freebie preview away from me?! Mo, did you have any symptoms of withdrawal?

Here’s a thought…maybe we could all get together on Monday night to watch the first Eagles game of the regular season. And we could hang out, have a few drinks and eat food all while supporting a good cause. Imagine that?
Mulligans is having a $15 buffet and Eagles watching party on Monday at 8 p.m. All the proceeds go to Katrina relief.

We could pre-game at The Bad Idea at 7 and then walk over to Mulligans and enjoy the Eagles game. Oh, they have half-price drinks everytime the Eagles score a touchdown.

The Dirty Vino club could even switch Wine night to Monday (just this once) in an attempt to bring some class to football. Not that football isn’t classy. Sweaty men in spandex is very high class.

Yee Haw!

2005-08-30T15:39:54Z

If you think tractors are sexy and you like guys with a farmers tan, then you need a trip to the Cowtown Rodeo! And even if you're not that into John Deere, Cowtown is a great place to visit. It's even in “Weird New Jersey” for goodness sake!

If the weather is cooperating a few crazy cow tippers are going to drive up to Salem County on Saturday to watch the 7 p.m. rodeo. If it's a real nice day, we might do the flea market before the evening rodeo. Get some cowboy boots and join us.

To all who are interested in the Renaissance Faire…

2005-08-22T17:10:20Z

Carl and I called and made our reservations for a faire package at the Quality Inn and Suites for October 7-9. That’s wine weekend at the Faire. Oh, the drunken goodness. If you want to join us feel free to call the QI at 717-569-0477.

Prices:
24.99 for faire tickets at the door
19.99 tickets online
109.99 for a standard hotel room and cont. breakfasts
131.72 for a room, tickets, and cont. breakfasts
169.76 for a room, tickets, dinner at Miller’s or Plain and Fancy and cont. breakfasts

For example, if you wanted to stay two nights with tickets (as we are) the price would be 131.72 plus 109.99.

Keep in mind the prices of packages are only for two adults, but if you want to crash in someone’s room you could chip in on the hotel cost and get your own tickets.